Just a little humor to lighten your day

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DaveLott
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Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by DaveLott » Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:19 pm

•DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
•WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'
•ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
•SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
•PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
•HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
•VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
•OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
•TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
•HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
•BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
•TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
•PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
•STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
•PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
•HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
•HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
•UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
•FRIGGIN TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'FRIGG' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Last edited by DaveLott on Sat Oct 30, 2010 5:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Dave

Riviera build - the Midnight Cry Project
Glen-L Sea Kayak
Mahalo Standup Paddleboard

Video of Midnight in Action

Few things in the world measure up to the thrill and satisfaction of boating in a boat that you built.

upspirate

Re: Jsut a little humor to lighten your day

Post by upspirate » Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:26 pm

You hit it all on every count!

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DaveLott
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Re: Jsut a little humor to lighten your day

Post by DaveLott » Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:37 pm

I believe I own most of those tools and I multiple friggin tools
Dave

Riviera build - the Midnight Cry Project
Glen-L Sea Kayak
Mahalo Standup Paddleboard

Video of Midnight in Action

Few things in the world measure up to the thrill and satisfaction of boating in a boat that you built.

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Grand Chillin
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Re: Jsut a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Grand Chillin » Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:54 pm

Dave,
I'm not allowed to have a DRILL PRESS, a SKILL SAW, or a BAND SAW. :( And they took my OXYACETYLENE TORCH away from me. :shock: I still don't know why. The insurance company paid for the damage to the garage and my hair is slowly growing back. :roll: :wink: :lol:
A secret to a good marriage is to have a quick mind and a slow mouth!!!

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Bill Edmundson
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Bill Edmundson » Sat Oct 30, 2010 5:59 pm

The insurance company actually pays me not to have some tools :!: :wink:

Bill
Mini -Tug, KH Tahoe 19 & Bartender 24 - There can be no miracle recoveries without first screwing up.
Tahoe 19 Build

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Iggy
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Iggy » Sat Oct 30, 2010 8:28 pm

That one never gets old.
Ian (aka Iggy)
My Malahini Build

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Rational Root
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Rational Root » Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:28 am

And some of my own favourite.

* Chisel : a sharp tool generally used for extracting blood from hands foolishly holding the work piece in front of the blade. (albeit in this case I got away with a flesh wound) :oops:
* Socket : Perfectly round on the outside to allow it to roll as far away as possible as it bounces off your foot. Often comes in a set of all the sizes except the one you need (due to afore mentioned rolling)
* Circular saw : tool for removing carbide tips from saw blade as they intersect the metal work-stand at 5600 rpm. This has an optional blade height adjuster which may reduce blade damage.
* JigSaw : tool for cutting through oak and Black & Decker Workbench at the same time. (http://davesboat.blogspot.com/2007/07/f ... rames.html)
Hey! I built a boat ! No Really, I did !
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BulldogBoater
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by BulldogBoater » Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:15 pm

Not only do table saw projectiles test wall integrity. They also test the integrity of a freshly completed 1/4 inch plywood boat hulls!

KB
"I'm not trying to get it perfect. I'm trying to get it finished!"
Strip Planked Skiff, Jet Squirt, 2 Tubby Tugs, Console Skiff, Modified Kingfisher (Last One #6)

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Lowka53
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Lowka53 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:53 pm

:lol: shapers do a better job of that I had one throw a piece and stuck it into a wall 20 foot away and 15 foot from the floor :roll: :lol:
Don't be afraid to attempt anything. You might surprise your self in the attempt.
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Bon Voyage-"Wild Flower" 40' house boat being built
14' Mr John-being built
32' Supper Huck-in design

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DaveLott
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by DaveLott » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:55 pm

BulldogBoater wrote:Not only do table saw projectiles test wall integrity. They also test the integrity of a freshly completed 1/4 inch plywood boat hulls!

KB

Kevin - Obviously, you did not look closely at the starboard side of my hull just under the windshield. It was the plywood laminations that prevented the projectile from exiting the port side.

dave
Dave

Riviera build - the Midnight Cry Project
Glen-L Sea Kayak
Mahalo Standup Paddleboard

Video of Midnight in Action

Few things in the world measure up to the thrill and satisfaction of boating in a boat that you built.

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Caber-Feidh
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Caber-Feidh » Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:12 pm

Somehow I have managed to do most of my damage to myself/my shop/vehicles/bystanders/windows with a combination of lathes, and surface grinders. All lathes should come with a built-on vet wrap dispenser. It's worse than Wiley coyote with a truck-load of "ACME" crates.
Some plan to stroll through Saint Peter's Gates, I plan to go through them at 150mph... backwards... in a screaming ball of flame, with a glimmer belt wrapped around my head, and a NOx button in my hand.

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Lowka53
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Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Lowka53 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:12 am

Maybe this guy should try some Bennett Marine Trim Tabs to get him up on plane...
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Don't be afraid to attempt anything. You might surprise your self in the attempt.
http://www.facebook.com/Home.Made.Boat.Building
Bon Voyage-"Wild Flower" 40' house boat being built
14' Mr John-being built
32' Supper Huck-in design

Rod H

Tim Major
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Location: Sydney, AUSTRALIA

Re: Just a little humor to lighten your day

Post by Tim Major » Thu Apr 19, 2012 1:51 am

I've just had a few friggin good laughs reading these posts..... :idea: all sooo truuuue :idea: oldies but goldies

SS FATGUY just topped it off :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks

Tim

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